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1001 Kosher Jokes

1,001 Kosher Jokes

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Who doesn’t need a laugh?

 

Who doesn’t need a thousand laughs?

 

Carefully chosen on many different subjects and in many different styles, these jokes will bring a smile, chuckle, and guffaw to your day!

ABI GEZUNT 2: Classic Jokes From The Jewish Press

Abi Gezunt! - Even More Classic Jokes from the Jewish Press! (Vol. 2): The Biggest and Silliest Collection of Classic Jewish Jokes

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The biggest and silliest collection of side-splitting classic Jewish Jokes! Now you can enjoy hundreds more all-time-favorite jokes straight from the archives of The Jewish Press.

ABI GEZUNT: Classic Jokes From The Jewish Press

ABI GEZUNT: Classic Jokes From The Jewish Press

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The laughter will never stop with this once-in-a-lifetime collection of the side-splitting family-friendly humor, from the brilliant humorist Arnold Fine of The Jewish Press. Over 340 of Arnie's classic Jewish jokes, one-liners, and humorous observations will leave you-and everyone else-ROLLING ON THE FLOOR! Enjoy clean Jewish humor on the subjects of City Life, Jewish Wit, Politics & High Office, Israel, Doctors & Medicine, Old Age, Relationships, and Little Gems. Makes a perfect Chanukah gift for everyone!

Bad for the Jews

Bad for the Jews

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Scott Sherman has taken it upon himself to compile a list of 50 Oy vey-inducing members of the tribe--from politics, entertainment and white collar crime--who make it tougher than it already is to be a Jew these days. Notables include:


Bernie Madoff: Where to begin? Life is hard enough without having to be concerned that your esteemed brethren are really sleeper-schmucks lying in wait, biding their time for the perfect moment to completely ruin your life.

Laura Schlessinger: Referred to herself in a Los Angeles Times Magazine profile as a prophet. Let's be nice and call that a stretch.

Eliot Spitzer: Oh if only we could return to the days when Jewish mothers could call their little aspiring politicians 'The Next Eliot Spitzer!' without it sounding absolutely disgusting.

Barbra Streisand: Those imitating her shtick can't be tuned out because, much to our chagrin, they live with us. Think of all the poor young Jews who had to go to school unwashed because their sister's shower-based rendition of Papa, Can You Hear Me? took forever to complete.

Judge Judy: Who thought it was a good idea to give a Jewish grandmother a television show in which her opinions are legally binding? Releasing the wrath of bubbie onto the world is a cruel, cruel thing to do.

Leonard Nimoy: A Jew playing a pointy-eared half-alien? Everybody thinks we're strange and foreign enough as it is!

Scott Sherman has taken it upon himself to compile a list of 50 Oy vey-inducing members of the tribe ― from politics, entertainment and white collar crime ― who make it tougher than it already is to be a Jew these days. Notable include:



Bernie Madoff: Where to begin? Life is hard enough without having to be concerned that your esteemed brethren are really sleeper-schmucks lying in wait, biding their time for the perfect moment to completely ruin your life.

Laura Schlessinger: Referred to herself in a Los Angeles Times Magazine profile as "a prophet." Let's be nice and call that a stretch.

Eliot Spitzer: Oh if only we could return to the days when Jewish mothers could call their little aspiring politicians 'The Next Eliot Spitzer!' without it sounding absolutely disgusting.

Barbra Streisand: Those imitating her shtick can't be tuned out because, much to our chagrin, they live with us. Think of all the poor young Jews who had to go to school unwashed because their sister's shower-based rendition of "Papa, Can You Hear Me?" took forever to complete.

Judge Judy: Who thought it was a good idea to give a Jewish grandmother a television show in which her opinions are legally binding? Releasing the wrath of bubbie onto the world is a cruel, cruel thing to do.

Leonard Nimoy: A Jew playing a pointy-eared half-alien? Everybody thinks we're strange and foreign enough as it is!

Big Little Book of Jewish Wit and Wisdom

Big Little Book of Jewish Wit and Wisdom

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This small, chunky volume presents the witty, wonderful, deadpan and droll insight of Jewish culture and humor.
With chapters on wisdom, mitzvahs, dybbuks, proverbs, jokes, curses, conventions, mores (ethics), love amd marriage, men and women, children and family--this captivating collection provides reflections gleaned from a wealth of ancient, traditional and modern sources. The range of wise observations on the ways of the world, snappy one-liners, stories and expressions captures the spirit of the Jews throughout the centuries. Illustrated with sixty watercolor paintings, The Big Little Book of Jewish Wit & Wisdom will delight and engage even the toughest Jewish mother.
Some examples include:

When we hear a baby laugh, it is the loveliest thing that can happen to us. -- Sigmund Freud

A child's wisdom is also wisdom. -- Yiddish proverb

May you lose all your teeth but one, and may that one have a cavity. -- Anonymous (Yiddish curse)

Dear Mr. Schmutter - They're Asking Me?

Dear Mr. Schmutter - They're Asking Me?

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Newspaper advice columns are a weird tradition: "Let me ask a total stranger about my personal problems, so he can answer in front of thousands of other total strangers in nothing resembling a timely manner.  And hope I don’t have to ask a follow-up question."

 

 

 

In a way, it's a cheaper version of therapy.  Like if you pay the going hourly rate, you get a whole 45 minutes, there are no spectators to your personal problems, and there are free tissues.  But for the cost of a newspaper subscription, this is what you get.  And you’re going to be happy with it.

 

 

 

Until now.

 

 

 

Ever since Mordechai Schmutter began writing humor columns, people have been coming up to him and asking him questions.  Most of them unprintable.  And that's weird, because, as he’s demonstrated in his columns, he is not an expert on anything.

 

 

But some of the questions are printable, to the point where he has selflessly decided to start a second column - a column dedicated to answering these questions - a column that puts the "Um" in Advice Column - a column that places a prime emphasis not on embarrassing the person asking the question, but on dwarfing it with the extent to which he embarrasses himself.  And rather than give advice that is helpful only for that one person in one specific situation that may no longer be relevant, he heroically gives advice that’s not actually helpful at all.  That way, everyone wins. 

 

 

This is his first collection of this column - a column that, above all, proves that there is no such thing as a ridiculous question.  Just ridiculous answers.

Five Hundred and One Kosher Quotes

Five Hundred and One Kosher Quotes Hardcover

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Profound. Funny. Inspiring. Thought-provoking.

These 501 carefully chosen quotations are food for the mind!

HAVE A GOOD LAUGH: JEWISH JOKES FOR THE SOUL

Have a Good Laugh: Jewish Jokes for the Soul Paperback

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Throughout the centuries Jews have used humor to cope with their history of trauma and stress. In fact, they have been sharpening their wits for over two thousand years and have always used jokes and humorous characterizations as teaching aids and as a means to illustrate, enlighten and improve. Have a Good Laugh: Jewish Jokes for the Soul presents a vast array of Jewish jokes that will surely bring a smile to your face and tickle your fancy. If you are a professional or even an amateur speaker, you can use the jokes (which are categorized by topic for easy access) to beguile your audiences at lectures, parties and presentations. And the good news is that there are no crude or offensive jokes in this book. Just good, clean fun. So enjoy this collection of Jewish humor, and hope you do have a good laugh.

The Unexpected Delivery
Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $ 80,000 for the year. Why don t people leave me alone? the deli owner said. I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed for Jewish Holidays and Shabbat. And you want to know how I made $ 80,000? It s not your income that bothers us, the agent said. It s these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife. Oh that? the owner said smiling. Well ... We also deliver.

On the Sixth Day
On the sixth day of creation, God turned to the angel Gabriel saying: On this day I shall create a magic land. It shall be called Israel and will stand as holy. And its magnificence will be known all over the world. And I will choose to send to this land special people of goodness, intelligence, and conviction, so the land shall prosper. I shall call these inhabitants Jews. Pardon me, God, asked Gabriel, but aren't you being too generous to these Jews? Not really. Wait and see the neighbors I m giving them.

Oy, Yoy, Yoy
Three bubbes (Jewish grandmothers) sitting on a park bench. The first one lets out a heartfelt Oy. A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says, Oy, vey. A few minutes later, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, Oy, vey iz mir. To which the first bubbe replies, I thought we agreed we weren t going to talk about our children.

Lost and Found Wallet
A poor Jew finds a wallet with seven hundred dollars. At his shul he reads a notice stating that a wealthy Jew has lost his wallet and is offering a fifty dollar reward to anyone who returns it. Quickly he locates the owner giving him the wallet.
The rich man counts the money and says, I see you have already taken your reward.
The poor man responds, What are you talking about? The wealthy Jew continues, This wallet had seven hundred and fifty dollars in it when I lost it.
Both men present their case. The poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, Rabbi, I trust you believe me. The rabbi says, Of course. The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the rabbi takes the wallet out of the wealthy man s hands and gives it to the poor man who found it.
What are you doing? the rich man yells angrily. The rabbi responds, You are of course an honest man, and if you say that you re missing wallet had seven hundred and fifty dollars in it, I m sure it did. But if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn t have returned it al all. Which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money. Otherwise, it stays with the man who found it.
What about the money? the rich man asks. Well, we ll just have to wait until somebody finds a wallet with seven hundred and fifty dollars in it!

Have I Got a Cartoon for You!: The Moment Magazine Book of Jewish Cartoons

Have I Got a Cartoon for You!: The Moment Magazine Book of Jewish Cartoons

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Indie Awards Silver Medal Winner (Nonfiction Adult Humor)

Bob Mankoff grew up Jewish in Queens, NY in the 1950s and 1960s. As a kid, he visited the Borscht Belt and reveled in the hilarious performances of some of the best Jewish comedians such as Jerry Lewis, Buddy Hackett, and Rodney Dangerfield, among others. These early experiences helped shape Mankoff's view of life and led him to become a creative master practitioner of humor and cartoons. He started his career unexpectedly by quitting a Ph.D. program in experimental psychology at The City University of New York in 1974 and submitting his cartoons to the New Yorker. Three years and over 2,000 cartoons later, he finally made the magazine and has since published over 950 cartoons. He has devoted his life to discovering just what makes us laugh and seeks every outlet to do so, from developing The New Yorker's web presence to founding The Cartoon Bank, a business devoted to licensing cartoons for use in newsletters, textbooks, magazines and other media.

In this new book, Have I Got a Cartoon for You! this successful cartoonist, speaker and author, presents his favorite Jewish cartoons. In his foreword to this entertaining collection, Mankoff shows how his Jewish heritage helped him to become a successful cartoonist, examines the place of cartoons in the vibrant history of Jewish humor, and plumbs Jewish thought, wisdom and shtik for humorous insights.

Mankoff has written: "I always think that it's strange that the Jews, The People of the Book, eventually became much better known as The People of the Joke. Strange because laughter in the Old Testament is not a good thing: When God laughs, you're toast. If you say, 'Stop me if you've heard this one, ' he does for good." A major influence on his cartoons about religion derives from Jewish culture's disputatiousness, the questioning everything just for the hell of it and then the questioning of the questioning to be even more annoying.

He recalls: "When, I was first dating my wife, who is not Jewish, we once were having what I thought was an ordinary conversation and she said, 'Why are you arguing with me?' I replied, 'I'm not arguing, I'm Jewish.' I thought that was clever. She didn't. Some humor scholars claim this stems from the practice in the Talmud of pilpul, which Leo Rosten has described as 'unproductive hair-splitting that is employed not so much to radiate clarity ... as to display one's own cleverness.' I go along with that except I like to think that some clarity and cleverness are not mutually exclusive. Anyway, that's my aim in cartoons like these. Now, am I worried that these jokes will bring His wrath down upon me down with a bolt from the blue. Not really, but every time there's a thunderstorm, I hide in the cellar."

I'D BARK BUT YOU NEVER LISTEN

I'D BARK BUT YOU NEVER LISTEN

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From a top Hollywood humor writer comes this edgy collection of illustrated jokes revealing the innermost thoughts of independent-minded dogs. What marks the breed is a quirky mindset given both to philosophical debate and picky pragmatism, not to mention personal pride: I'd fetch but it's embarrassing. The Jewish greyhound, foxhound or chosen mutt always has an excellent and very funny reason for leading his or her distinguished version of a dog's life.
Jewish Humor: What the Best Jewish Jokes Say About the Jews

Jewish Humor: What the Best Jewish Jokes Say About the Jews

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Here are more than 100 of the best Jewish jokes you'll ever hear, interspersed with perceptive and persuasive insight into what they can tell us about how Jews see themselves, their families, and their friends, and what they think about money, sex, and success. Rabbi Joseph Telushkin is as celebrated for his wit as for his scholarship, and in this immensely entertaining book, he displays both in equal measure. Stimulating, something stinging, and always very, very funny, Jewish Humor offers a classic portrait of the Jewish collective unconscious.

KOSHER LAUGHS AND LESSONS FOR LIFE VOL 1

Kosher Laughs and Lessons for Life Vol. 1

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Laughter in an essential element of life. It lowers stress levels, brings people together, and reminds us that Gd gave us a wonderful world. Clinically proven to improve our physical, emotional, and social wellbeing, laughter can also help open us up to simple but powerful lesson sin life. In this wonderful collection, we will laugh - but more important, learn and expand our horizons. About the Author: Rabbi Yehoshua Kurland is a popular speaker, renowned educator, and the author of A Time to Dance (Mosaica Press, 2016) and A Time to Conceal, A Time to Reveal (Mosaica Press, 2017) on Purim and Chanukah, in addition to six other books on Jewish thought, all of which use humor as a catalyst to personal growth. A close student of Rav Shlomo Freifeld, zt "l, founder and Rosh Yeshivah of Sh'or Yoshuv,

KOSHER LAUGHS AND LESSONS FOR LIFE VOL 2

Kosher Laughs and Lessons for Life Vol. 2

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It was hardly surprising that the first volume of Kosher Laughs and Lessons for Life was a runaway bestseller. After all, its hilarious (kosher) jokes and down-to-earth lessons brought laughter and meaning to anyone who read them.

In this sequel, famed educator Rabbi Yehoshua Kurland has done it again. Read, laugh, enjoy, and learn!

OY! THE ULTIMATE BOOK OF JEWISH JOKES P/B

OY! THE ULTIMATE BOOK OF JEWISH JOKES P/B

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Hanukah Quizzes
Matzo Ball Humor
A Real Kosher Treat!

From rabbis to relationships, latkes to lawyers, and marriages to miracles, here is a feast of more than a thousand old and new Jewish jokes and witty anecdotes---and you don't have to be Jewish to enjoy them!
David Minkoff's website has attracted attention and contributions from around the world. Containing jokes to tell children, a compatibility test for couples, and humorous quips for special occasions, his book is a truly unique collection.

This clever kosher compilation generates giggles galore. ---Publishers Weekly

Terrific and addicting . . . guaranteed to make you laugh. ---The Reporter (New York)

Yiddishe Kop- 2. English ed.

Yiddishe Kop- 2. English ed.

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"A Yiddishe Kop" is far more than Yiddish for, "A Jewish Head". It is a concept that crosses languages and cultures-that lives at the intersection of intelligence, imagination and wit. "A Yiddishe Kop" embodies the zest for challenge, the yearning for truth and clarity, and the honing of lucid deductive reasoning through the application of Jewish and worldly knowledge. The first volume was definitely one of a kind, but Gadi Pollack has made history twice with "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2", the second in this brain teasing series. In "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2", you will find entirely new scenes, engaging questions and an answer key in the back of the book. For obvious reasons, you mustn't peek at the answers! There is no choice but to fire up you "Yiddishe Kop" and go full steam ahead. Parents seeking creative, wholesome and stimulating entertainment for their children, will find what they are looking for in "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2". Parents shouldn't be surprised if they find themselves pouring over the pictures with wrinkled foreheads even before their children have had a chance to hold the book! This is the feedback we received from the previous volume and it takes no stretch of the imagination to assume "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will produce the same results. Put this book in the bookcase, but it won't stay there for long. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will swiftly find its way to the table, come to rest on a child's knee and grab the attention of curious and intelligent eyes. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" offer hours of intelligent clue-finding fun for your entire family. wholesome and stimulating entertainment for their children, will find what they are looking for in "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2". Parents shouldn't be surprised if they find themselves pouring over the pictures with wrinkled foreheads even before their children have had a chance to hold the book! This is the feedback we received from the previous volume and it takes no stretch of the imagination to assume "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will produce the same results. Put this book in the bookcase, but it won't stay there for long. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will swiftly find its way to the table, come to rest on a child's knee and grab the attention of curious and intelligent eyes. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" offer hours of intelligent clue-finding fun for your entire family. wholesome and stimulating entertainment for their children, will find what they are looking for in "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2". Parents shouldn't be surprised if they find themselves pouring over the pictures with wrinkled foreheads even before their children have had a chance to hold the book! This is the feedback we received from the previous volume and it takes no stretch of the imagination to assume "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will produce the same results. Put this book in the bookcase, but it won't stay there for long. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will swiftly find its way to the table, come to rest on a child's knee and grab the attention of curious and intelligent eyes. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" offer hours of intelligent clue-finding fun for your entire family. will find what they are looking for in "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2". Parents shouldn't be surprised if they find themselves pouring over the pictures with wrinkled foreheads even before their children have had a chance to hold the book! This is the feedback we received from the previous volume and it takes no stretch of the imagination to assume "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will produce the same results. Put this book in the bookcase, but it won't stay there for long. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will swiftly find its way to the table, come to rest on a child's knee and grab the attention of curious and intelligent eyes. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" offer hours of intelligent clue-finding fun for your entire family. will find what they are looking for in "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2". Parents shouldn't be surprised if they find themselves pouring over the pictures with wrinkled foreheads even before their children have had a chance to hold the book! This is the feedback we received from the previous volume and it takes no stretch of the imagination to assume "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will produce the same results. Put this book in the bookcase, but it won't stay there for long. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will swiftly find its way to the table, come to rest on a child's knee and grab the attention of curious and intelligent eyes. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" offer hours of intelligent clue-finding fun for your entire family. t be surprised if they find themselves pouring over the pictures with wrinkled foreheads even before their children have had a chance to hold the book! This is the feedback we received from the previous volume and it takes no stretch of the imagination to assume "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will produce the same results. Put this book in the bookcase, but it won't stay there for long. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will swiftly find its way to the table, come to rest on a child's knee and grab the attention of curious and intelligent eyes. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" offer hours of intelligent clue-finding fun for your entire family. t be surprised if they find themselves pouring over the pictures with wrinkled foreheads even before their children have had a chance to hold the book! This is the feedback we received from the previous volume and it takes no stretch of the imagination to assume "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will produce the same results. Put this book in the bookcase, but it won't stay there for long. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will swiftly find its way to the table, come to rest on a child's knee and grab the attention of curious and intelligent eyes. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" offer hours of intelligent clue-finding fun for your entire family. This is the feedback we received from the previous volume and it takes no stretch of the imagination to assume "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will produce the same results. Put this book in the bookcase, but it won't stay there for long. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will swiftly find its way to the table, come to rest on a child's knee and grab the attention of curious and intelligent eyes. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" offer hours of intelligent clue-finding fun for your entire family. This is the feedback we received from the previous volume and it takes no stretch of the imagination to assume "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will produce the same results. Put this book in the bookcase, but it won't stay there for long. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" will swiftly find its way to the table, come to rest on a child's knee and grab the attention of curious and intelligent eyes. "A Yiddishe Kop 2x2" offer hours of intelligent clue-finding fun for your entire family.